Socially Awkward

I’m not entirely sure where I am going with this post (but hey, when am I?) But, as I’ve previously mentioned somewhere, I’m socially awkward. I felt that the problem is so big for me that it is necessary to divulge more – in accordance with the old proverb of ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’.

Only a few know that I suffer from panic attacks. Thankfully, they are not that ‘serious’ at the minute. I’m afraid they will get worse the longer I choose to ignore the fact that there is a problem. I get them just walking to the shop, and I get them worse when around people. These panic attacks are present when I’m around people I have met before, let alone strangers.

There is also another issue that doesn’t help but that’s a whole other story and not something I want to drop something on people.

 I still wonder why I go to DiY and WTW, there are a nightmare for me in social terms. I enjoy going to them, I’m just a mess before I even get there and spend a good portion of the night trying to ‘calm down’.

I generally sit around in a long black coat during these events. The reason? The reason is simple. I wear my long black coat in an effort to ‘disappear’, I prefer to be in the background where I am ‘safe. However, I realise in doing so I’m tending to draw more attention to myself.

Social interactions are hard for me. They are hard due to a lot of reasons, the main being my lack of trust (due to a series of unfortunate events (random but I loved those books)).

I love conversation but find it hard to initiate it – or even say the right thing. The worry about saying the right thing in itself causes me to freeze up.

So yeah, I’m socially deficient and would appreciate any help, tips or advice.

Soundtrack to my life

So this has always been a favourite of mine, but it's a song that runs through my mind in low times and difficult/challenging situations :P

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

This is not meant to be a ‘whiney’ post, or a ‘woe is me post’ but more a series of realisations I have made recently – or more accurately, things I am now willing to admit.

1.For years I didn’t accept that I could be submissive in nature and still be a strong woman. I have since learned that I’m strongest in my moments of sincere submission. The type of submission given freely.

2.I’m a control freak. I try to over plan everything and end up a stressed ball of red stuff if things don’t go to plan. I need to learn that life is not written, it is all about improvisation. Guess I took it to heart when I read ‘all the world’s a stage’ – there is no script, if there was I’d be happier than that cat crapping rainbows.

3.I’m socially awkward, I can’t figure out that crazy thing called conversation – unless you happen to be on my skype then I can just about hold one without prompts. My awkwardness in social situations upsets me, I love meeting new people and want to make friends, but hey, I’m a social disaster until I meet someone that takes the time.

4.I need him more than he realises and, more than I realise at times and yes, that scares me.

5.I have an unrealistic view of my body. It’s a sad state of affairs when the only thing you are happy with is your right eye (yes, THAT specific). I’m planning on getting my picture taken again, but right now I need to sort myself out and realise that my ‘weight problem’ in actually in my head. I’m going to re-make one of my pictures and show myself the difference in body shape – if there is much difference.

6.I’m more submissive than people think, my family included. It upsets me when the same people think I’m the dominant – trust me, I’m really not in this relationship.

7.I compare myself to others more than I should it's an unhealthy obssession. I need to realise that I am me, and so I'm going to do things differently and react to things differently. I should also admit that I  get angry when people compare me to others. Ah the life of a hypocrite :P

8.Public affection scares me, public play makes me want to cry. But I’ve fully accepted one and tried another just for him. Because making him happy makes me happy.

9.I’m scared that having children will change things between us. Or that my craziness will rub off on them.

10.I’m wonder why he is with me more than half the time, in both the vanilla and kink sense.

11.I often wonder if there is any point in continuing with my degree, thinking I’m not intelligent enough and that my scores aren’t what I wanted. It also seems a waste when I have a feeling that I cannot change my ‘social class’, that it is pre-determined.

12.I am incapable of just letting go (see control freak)

That is all I'm willing to share right now.

Public Play? Tried it

I've always had an issue with anything done in public - we're talking sexual/intimate things here- so it makes no sense that I have been to two play parties. The first time I sat around talking and drinking, and got shown how some of the equipment worked

However, this time I actually used something. There was a stall there on the night selling various implements (such as canes, floggers, gas masks etc) and so Durnion purchased one that we both liked the look of (not that I'd be able to talk him out of it if he wanted it lol).

Anyway, I finally plucked up the courage to engage in some play in a public setting, and trust me, it was very public by my standards. The bench we used was next to the DJ booth and the second thing you saw if you peeked around the corner to the play area and it was visible from the 'chill out' area. Durnion told me he was proud of me afterwards, but during it I was so...scared is the wrong word but I'll use it.

It wasn't the fear of trying a new toy out, but rather the fear of others seeing me. I wondered if they would judge me if I screamed out - so I kept as quiet as I could. I wondered if they would judge my body since my naked ass was in full view - so I hid my face behind my hair. All of my fears were unfounded, there was no judgement, and other people were too engrossed in their own play anyway.

I'm relieved that I tried it and cannot rule out doing it again - but we'll see!

Oh the pressure!

As stupid as it sounds, I feel like I’m ‘getting on a bit’. It seems like 90% of the people I went to school with are either married and/or have children. Anyone who knows me knows I want children (too many in Durnion’s opinion!) but I have always wanted to be married first.

Weddings! I am getting tired of being asked about our wedding! I don’t know what cars I want; I don’t know what kind of cake I want! I’m not planning on getting married for another 18 months! I know people are excited, I am too, but asking me what colour Durnion's mother is going to wear for the wedding is just…too early!

Oh and since I’m not even married yet, why the hell am I being ‘told’ which schools to send my kids to? I don’t have any children yet!

Irritated

So Durnion and I attended another DiY( If you haven’t been, I fully recommend going – the people are great!). Everything went well,  although having worked all day made me a little more socially deficient than usual lol.

Anyway, afterwards we decided to grab some food and go to a friend of Durnion’s house (a friend in the lifestyle) I fully expected him to behave in a certain way, but it irritated me that he hadn’t discussed it with me knowing how I feel about anything I deem ‘public’.

The main annoyance came when Durnion told me to ‘flash’ my breasts to him. The issue here was that I didn’t feel comfortable doing so in front of another person (regardless of who the person is). The refusal to do so led to me having to stand in a corner and remain silent.

The above wouldn’t have bothered me if I wasn’t so tired.

Still here!

It occurred to me the other day that I haven’t written in a while. I have actually missed writing my thoughts down and being able to look through them whenever I need to. Having my blog allows me to see how I’ve grown over x amount of time, it also helps me (or Durnion) to see which areas need working on (which seems less!).

Recently I’ve been super busy. My time seems split between work, study and wedding talk with no room for play. I hate the fact that come 9pm I’m too tired to function properly and end up snapping at Durnion (not a good thing in this dynamic lol). I love him for his patience.

So, just a couple of paragraphs to show I’m still here and more blogs will follow…like it or not! :P